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The Bearded Wonder: What Does Beard Balm Actually Do?

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What exactly does beard balm actually do? That most common of questions, posed by the philosophers, the sage sages, and pretty much every guy who has ever snagged his facial hair, can be broken down into one crucial FAQ: Is beard balm little more than a step in the typically tortuous grooming ritual? Or is it the key to beardly nirvana, the avenue toward that magnificent mane of Viking glory and silver-tongued sophistication? Let’s find out!


It’s Not Magic, It’s Beard Balm!

Firstly, get that one thing out of the way: beard balm is not a magic tincture. I hate to break it to you, but beard balms are not made with crushed unicorn horn and fairy dust. However, it is a semi-solid mixture of oils, butters, and (almost always) beeswax that will make your beard feel like a gift from the hand of the beard gods.


Hydration Station

The primary function of beard balm is to moisturize. You condition the top of your head; your beard requires beard balm. Without it, it’s like you’re sporting a brillo pad instead of a beard. Beard balm keeps your beard, and the skin beneath it, from being as dry as your linguistics professor reading an Århus parsing theory paper in his most monotonous voice.


Tame the Mane

If your beard is all kinks and curls and stray hairs like a feral cat, then your new best friend might be beard balm. Beard balm helps to tame and control the beast. It works well to ensure your beard doesn’t resemble the time you stuck your finger in an electrical socket.



In addition to acting as a softener and conditioner for your beard, beard balms often double as a form of cologne, because everything’s better when it smells good! From woodsy to citrus, you can make your beard smell like you’ve been trekking through a birch forest or picking lemons. But don’t soak in it, either – like everything else, the aim is to complement your natural musk, not overtake it.


Itch Relief

Do you remember how itchy growing a beard can get? Most men will. And they will recoil at the memory. Beard balm soothes the skin, and it goes a long way towards reducing that infamous beard itch. For when your face already feels like a mosquito convention has come to town, look to your beard balm.


So, Is Beard Balm Essential?

If you take pride in a very tidy beard, or want to aspire to a beard that draws admiring stares and murmurs, yes: beard balm is essentially indispensable. It’s like the difference between using a screen-protected smartphone and a screen-free one – you might live, but why risk it?


So, to sum up, beard balm doesn’t just smell like you’ve hugged a tree. It moisturizes. Next time you see that tin of beard balm, just remember: it’s not beard grooming, it’s beard augmentation. Man up, men with beards, and balm on.

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